Common Mindfulness Myths
And how they become barriers to developing a mindfulness practice
“When someone spews something really hurtful don’t pick it up and hold it and rub it into your heart and snuggle with it and carry it around for a long time. Don’t even put energy into kicking it to the curb. You gotta see it and step over it or go around it and keep going.” Brené Brown (paraphrased from a live talk at SXSW)
I saw this quote the other day and it made me smile. I love it.
If you haven’t listened to Brené Brown or read her books, you need to. She is funny and clever and smart and her work is based in research which always makes it more powerful. What really got me about this particular quote though, is that for me, it speaks to the concept of mindfulness. It describes the benefits of being curious and open to the stories, feelings and experiences that bombard us throughout our life, throughout the day and for some of us, minute to minute so that we can use our energy for the things that matter. In other words, rather than wrestling and fighting the spewing, anxieties, stories, feelings, experiences and critics, we can instead use that energy to move towards the relationships, behaviors or activities that matter most to us.
Here she is speaking about someone spewing something at us. Sometimes that is the case and it hurts and we dwell on what we must have done, and what is wrong with us. We blame and we perseverate on how to respond. Or we become a bull, and fight, putting up defenses, blaming and attacking right back. Often though, and most often I would argue, the spewing comes from within us. We worry about our future, our kids, our worthiness. We experience shame, and self doubt and create stories about how we are not enough, how we will fail, how we always fall short. We are often our greatest critic
What this short excerpt suggests is very similar to the perspective that Acceptance and Commitment Therapy takes on living full lives through human pain. That through learning to make room for pain and suffering and to hold lightly and remain curious about our feelings, thoughts and experiences, we are able to move from struggle to choice.
To get to this place of curiosity and openness I often recommend a mindfulness practice. But over the years I’ve discovered that this recommendation is often met with hesitancy, frustration and flat out avoidance.
One of the first things I hear from new clients when I mention the idea of developing a mindfulness practice is “I can’t do it! Every time I try to be mindful, I can’t get the thoughts out of my head!”, “I get frustrated and I become more anxious!” or “I don’t have time for mindfulness, who has time for that?”.
As we explore these thoughts I usually see 3 things happening;
3 common myths of mindfulness.
First, is the paradox of control
We often hear or misinterpret the idea that through mindfulness we will develop skills to take control of thoughts and feelings to become less anxious and/or depressed. And so we try to breathe, try to notice, and feel immediately frustrated that the anxious thoughts and feelings aren’t going away! Then we feel frustrated with ourselves, another failure to add to the list of failures, and we dump it to look for other ways to “feel better”.
Second, we think “meditation” is the only way to “develop mindfulness”
We have images of sitting cross-legged, quietly in a room that is peaceful and calm for 20 minutes while listening to a guided meditation and we think “there is no way that I have the time or interest to pull off “being mindful” with three crazy kids, the door ringing, food burning” (maybe that’s just me!). Or we think that after a few podcasts we should be able to develop a mindfulness practice that will get us through the high anxiety moments of life and we are defeated when it doesn’t miraculously make us “zen-like”!
Third, we have a misguided definition of success!
We put a great deal of pressure on mindfulness “being successful”, “stopping thoughts” or “reducing anxiety” and are very self-critical when the process is difficult or when anxiety, fears and self-doubt show up.
These beliefs become barriers to developing a very useful skill in “paying attention” through mindfulness.
So let’s tackle each myth:
The Control Paradox and the quicksand metaphor
The control paradox is a doozy and where I really see and experience the trouble. In the beginning, we often put an agenda to a mindfulness practice. When you suffer and hurt all you can think about is how to end the suffering. And because we have these amazing brains that look for stories to make meaning, we create stories of good and bad, black and white, plans to avoid, escape or fight. Our mind spins into detailed plans about what to say or do to stay 3 steps ahead of unpleasant feelings and thoughts.
The problem is, these attempts at control, when it comes to feelings and thoughts, rarely work. Because we are feeling and thinking beings, and can not know the future or control the responses of others, these attempts are usually just huge time and energy sucks and they often lead us into avoidant, controlled, numbing behaviors that aren't bringing us much joy either. The more you fight, avoid and try to control, the more disconnected you may feel, the more behaviors you engage in that are self-defeating and so on.
This is why fighting the mind is like trying to escape from quicksand: the more you struggle against it, the more it sucks you in.
Escaping quicksand is actually quite easy: you only need to understand its nature. Once you realize that your body is less dense than the sand, all you have to do is relax, stretch out, cover more space and you’ll float to the surface.
Similarly, to escape the mind’s traps, we need to first understand that the mind is always trying to make meaning, create a story and to get there quickly. It sees things in terms of right/wrong, black/white, happiness/suffering. It wants to see things turn out one way to the exclusion of the accompanying opposite, failing to grasp how it cannot have one side without the other.
The problem here is that our mind is thinking in terms of problems and solutions and because emotions don’t work this way, we become stuck in a place of struggle. The control paradox speaks to this. Continuing to control, avoid, or struggle with feelings and thoughts leaves us feeling stuck and disconnected and often engaged in behaviors that we don’t want in our lives.
Let me give you an example. I’m competitive. I grew up in a competitive family and it’s in my bones. But when it comes to parenting I really don’t want that to interfere with my kids ability to move through life, their play and their joy. My years of breaking tennis rackets are over and I don’t want to pass that on! About a year ago I found myself on the soccer field watching my 5 year old play soccer. Sweet boy is wandering around the field, facing the opposite direction of the game most of the time. When the ball comes close he dances around and finds a position a safe distance away from the action.
Suddenly I find myself yelling “Run!” “Get to the ball!” “Pay attention!” “What are you doing?” “Can someone get his attention?” And then notice thinking to myself “What am I doing wrong?” “ what has happened to his gumption!” “Is he afraid?” “Why doesn’t he care?” “ How do all these other parents get their kids to care about sports?” “Why am I yelling? I’m such a crappy Mom!” And then suddenly I noticed the feeling of spiraling into comparison, and self doubt and worry, and anxiety. I feel hot, and antsy. I feel agitated and my heart races. I know the feeling well now and I watch for it.
This was my moment of mindfulness. Noticing that I was in a familiar “yucky” feeling that almost always means I am in anxiety, worry about the future, comparison, self-doubt, etc. All of my questions and yelling were attempts at controlling those feelings. Of getting rid of them. Of fixing things to make the feelings go away. And in the process I was my own worst nightmare!
Finally, I paused. I took some slow breathes in and out because I know slow diaphragmatic breathing can slow my nervous system. I repeated and named the thoughts and feelings “here is anxiety”, “here is worry”, “I’m noticing comparison”, “he is 5”, and I reminded myself of my values and what is important to me “remember the kind of Mom you want to be”, “make room for the feelings and then let them go”, “you are here to support him” and on and on.
It was ugly and I came out of it, thank goodness. But it was the process of noticing and then making room for my uncomfortable feelings without reacting that helped me refocus on how I actually wanted to show up for my son.
The other important piece to this example is that mindfulness may not bring an experience of happiness, joy, peace or contentment every time (which is often an unhelpful goal). It may in fact bring up very difficult feelings and thoughts. At the soccer game, it felt awful! THE WHOLE TIME. The power of mindfulness within the metaphor of quicksand is that when we allow space for thoughts and feelings, without struggle and without judgment, they will come and go, leaving us more energy and space to focus on the actions that we want to move towards in our lives. Connection rather than reflexive defensiveness, love and support over criticism, empathy rather than blaming, etc.
With a slow, deliberate opening instead of trying to get rid of hurt, pain, anxiety and fear you can make room for these feelings, hold them lightly, observe them, get curious about them and then make choices about how you want to show up for yourself and with others in your life.
While it’s certainly understandable that we all want to find a sure-fire way of reducing our suffering, it’s important to learn to view mindfulness as a process of gradually opening to experience, versus suddenly damming up the flow. Simply put, opening, without judgment to our thoughts, feelings and experiences is paying attention and that is mindfulness!
Mindfulness is not a one-stop-shop but a gradual opening to experiences
Many people get the impression that meditation is the only way to mindfulness and this for some can feel like too steep a hill to climb. Meditation is a wonderful way to develop mindfulness and meditation exercises, apps, etc. are powerful and important ways to develop a practice and to rewire the brain. I recommend them all the time and many people report great success!
However, meditation is not the only way and limiting ourselves can often become a roadblock to this very helpful skill.
Jon Kabat-Zinn says “Mindfulness is awareness that arises through paying attention, on purpose, in the present moment, non-judgmentally…”
Within this definition, mindfulness can come doing the dishes, while on a walk, while playing with your kids or when watching your child play soccer! It does not have to be fancy, long or have an app. However, I do believe it has to become an intentional practice. A decision to pay attention to our thoughts, emotions, and behaviors as a compassionate observer, staying open and curious. And to do this over and over again.
Reflecting on my soccer game fiasco, on my good days, I can notice the feelings early and can use this same opening and breathing with reminders about my values and how I want to show up to help me never get to the hysterical Mom. And on the not-so-good days, such as the one I described, I can use mindfulness to slow me down and come back to my values and what I really find important.
Seeing it as an ongoing practice is important because we always are given another opportunity to pause, to notice, to stay curious, and to choose how we want to show up.
To practice, circle back and try again!
Where is the self-compassion?
Self-compassion in mindfulness is the learned practice of developing curiosity and openness about ourselves, our stories, our thoughts and our feelings with self-kindness and acknowledgment that pain and struggle is a common shared experience. Noticing when we are snuggling up and holding too tight to old unworkable messages, thoughts, feelings, and hurts. Giving ourselves permission with self-kindness to have boundaries, choose what works for us (this includes what old stories and expectations we may be holding onto that don’t work for us anymore), recognize that this is a shared human experience and then move forward with intention.
To me, self-compassion is the most important piece. Can we learn to pause, open, pay attention, and become accepting and flexible with our inner experience all while standing in a place of self-compassion and non-judgment about doing it right, or there being a correct path? I was not the Mom I want to be in that moment at my child’s soccer game. And I could have easily fallen into more quicksand around being a crappy mom, never doing it right, failing my children, etc. I had to notice this too. Make room for those stories, get curious, and then refocus on the values and how I wanted to show up.
To me this circular practice, noticing the feelings, thoughts and behaviors, with a stance of self-compassion, in the service of our values and how we want to show up and circling back to try again and again is the ultimate goal.
In summary, if you embark on a journey of mindfulness, “paying attention” or "staying curious" start by keeping in mind the following:
Pay attention to agendas and the control paradox. Instead of “getting rid of anxious thoughts” change the script to “making room for anxious thoughts” understanding that as we make room and hold these thoughts and feelings lightly that they will come and go and allow us our energy to move towards the things that matter most to us.
Try different ways of paying attention: using meditation, taking a walk in nature, listening to the water while washing dishes or using apps until you find ways that work for you. Remember that there is no right or wrong way to develop mindfulness. You are simply “paying attention, on purpose, in the present moment” (as Kabat-Zinn says)
Self Compassion! You can never have enough of this. Life can be hard and we can be our greatest critics. Talk to yourself as you would a good friend. Start there.
Practice! As you practice and as this becomes more natural you will notice that the skill comes more easily. It does not eliminate all doubt, anxiety or fear, that would not be useful, but it does allow us to drop the struggle and engage with our thoughts, feelings and behaviors in ways that move us towards more wholehearted, rich and meaningful lives.
Resources:
Acceptance and Commitment Therapy: https://contextualscience.org/act
Kristen Neff https://self-compassion.org/
