The Collision of Atomic Habits and The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck
On December 31st, my kids and I listened to Atomic Habits by James Clear on the drive from San Angelo back to Houston. It was great. My ten-year-old even proclaimed that he doesn’t do “resolutions” he does “systems” so I know that they even learned something! But true to habit, as soon as we were home on New Year’s Day I began thinking of all the things that I wanted to focus on for the year. I launched immediately into goal setting. Skipped right over what was taught in the book, like thinking about the kind of person I wanted to be, the systems that encourage that “kind of person”...nope, it was on to goals, goals, goals, busy, busy, busy, focused, focused, focused.
Then I went and took a walk with all these goals swirling around in my head. Walking is where I do most of my noticing. In life, I stay way too busy, which is something I noticed, but we will get to that more later. I noticed during my walk that I felt really agitated, annoyed, and unsettled as I was thinking about these goals.
So, I did a little exercise that I often do with clients. I asked that agitated part of me “What do you need?” “What do you need me to know, or pay attention to?”, “What are you afraid of if you don’t alert me with this agitation?”. The answers were swift and clear:
“Who are you doing these goals for?”
I wasn’t really sure of the answer. But as I got curious and thought about it, the answers were mostly focused on how others saw me. How people saw me professionally, how I might look in a bathing suit this summer, etc. This did not feel good to me, because really, the core of me, doesn’t care much about these things. This was the agitation, I was unaligned.
A day later, after I had already started a weightlifting routine, and gotten back into a couple of runs to do a 10K with a friend (see I had launched right into goals), I reached down to gather a large bag of clothes that I made my kids declutter (another goal) and pulled my lower back. Karma, or irony or I told you so? Not sure, but I was pissed and felt so defeated.
I lay on my bed and looked at our bookshelf and I kid you not, the first book I saw was “The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fck” by Mark Manson. It has been sitting there for a few years and I have never thought to pick it up. At that moment, it was screaming for me. I read the first few chapters and it all made sense. I was agitated because I was focused on things that I really don’t give a F*ck about! I want to be good at my job but not so that I can prove how much I’ve done but because I want to help people. Also, I’m 50 years old this year! I am not going to look like I did when I was 20 in a bathing suit! STOP TRYING! But I do want to be able to be in a bathing suit, swimming, running around, playing spike ball on the beach. Most of all, when I thought about what I actually gave a F*ck about, it was being more present for my family and my parents who need me more now. It is in moving my body daily so that it feels healthy and strong. It’s continuing to get training in therapy modalities that help my patients and being a supportive and encouraging boss and supervisor to our therapists. It’s a “way of being” that I’m after, not a goal. I was focused on things for the wrong reasons, for reasons that really don’t resonate with me anymore.
So, I’m trying really hard to buck the goal mentality and think about stuff I give a F*ck about: “being present”, “being strong and healthy” and what it means to do those things. Like James Clear writes and my 10-year-old repeated, “What are the systems” that make me present and engaged, healthy and strong?
This morning, with my tender back, I’m writing this out because it feels good to put into words. I’m taking a long, slow walk with my son, and I’m baking bread. I also have to do the QuickBooks and balance our budget and unload and load the dishwasher, do the laundry. Those things won’t go away, but I feel a little more settled in what I’m after for myself. The collision of Atomic Habits and The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck was just what I needed for 2024, even if it took a tweaked back to make me pay attention.
So, here is a Cheers to you all as you notice and embrace what you actually give a F*ck about in 2024! And good luck on discovering the systems that make it all happen!
P.S. I highly recommend these two books!
